Did you ever hear one of
those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day
and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share
the love!'" "Beeeep!"
"Uh, yeah..
this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of positive, your test is back.
Stop sharing the love!"
A woman goes into a hardware store and asks the
clerk for two AA batteries. The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this
way," and heads towards the back of the store.
"If I could come that way," she tells the retreating
clerk, "I wouldn't need the batteries."
A
lady was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray
pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates... "I know you haven't
been getting much lately...but I didn't know you were so worried about
it!"
This man went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous
honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to
the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said "You
really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she
said,
"You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
"Well, I've got a hard on,
but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied.
An old farmer comes running across field screaming.
The farmers wife was at the kitchen window wondering what the hell was going on. He rushes
in house and says, "Ma, get in bed I got a hard on."
She slowly gets undressed and gets in bed. He
looses his hard on. He gives her a stern lecture, "Next time I come screaming you be in bed ready!"
Two months later here he
comes screaming across field. She sighs and gets in bed. He rushes in and
says, "Ma you damn sex maniac get out of bed---the barns on fire!"
A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so
the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens
the trunk, and pulls out two men in trenchcoats. The men stand behind the car, open up
their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic.
One of the worst
pile-ups in history occurs. When questioned by police why he put two
deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and
was just using my emergency flashers!"
An old sailor goes to a
brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.
"How am I doing?" He asks.
"Three knots," she replies.
"Three knots? What's that mean?"
"You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not
getting your money back."
Hey Diddle
Diddle,
My penis is little
and shriveled
and shrunk like a prune.
But if you will squeeze it
And tease it, and please it,
It'll blow up just like
A
balloon.
There were these two ovaries and they were cleaning
their house when they heard a knock at the door.
"I'll get the door," says the first ovary. She looks out the
peep hole and says, "Did you order furniture?"
No why?" asks the other
ovary.
"Because there
two nuts at the door trying to shove in an organ!"
A man and a woman were having
drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more
than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and
wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your
finger?"
The subway car was packed. It
was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned
to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing,
I'm going to call the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss,
that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really," she said.
"Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in
the last half hour."
Donald Duck walked into a
drugstore and asked for a packet of condoms.
"Certainly, sir," said the lady behind
the counter. "Shall I put them on your bill?"
"No way!" replied Donald Duck. "What do you think I
am, a dickhead?"
A woman walks into a
drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies,
"Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but
do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?
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